Amor Vincit Omnia

Carissimo mihi, we would have celebrated your 38th birthday today. I wonder if they celebrate birthdays in heaven??? If they do, I hope that yours is a luscious Boston crème with oodles of delightfully cold, creamy filling slathered with warm chocolate ganache just as you like it!

It just occurred to me that we have never been on the same continent; much less celebrated our birthdays with each other in the 8 years we had been together. That saddens me as I would never know what it would have been like… however, I realize that every single day that you have loved me, was a celebration in itself. It was you who showed me through your actions, what love truly is about.

Your kindness and compassion knows no boundaries, for some reason, my thoughts flashed back to the time we went to the auto mechanic to get the windows in the ’39 Chevy fixed and we met one of the mechanics there who barely spoke English but whose foot was clearly troubling him. I remember how my heart filled with pride seeing you dressed in your suit with his dirty foot on your knee and tenderly, you cleaned out the pus, medicated his wounds and bandaged it for him. He offered to fix the window for free but you would have none of it, seeing his little ones running peeking out of the office. It didn’t matter that we didn’t really have much then, but your words ring true till this day, better us to do without for a while than babies who wouldn’t understand if they didn’t get their next meal.

Despite the life lessons I learnt from you during your life hear on earth, it wasn’t until you went to be with the Lord that I learnt harsh lessons of the real world. I finally realized how sheltered and innocent/naïve I was and to a large extent, I was very childish. You had enabled this behavior by doting on me to the extent I never did anything wrong in your eyes and I sure took full advantage of it! But everything changed in a split second, it seemed like I was stuck in a nightmare I could not wake up from. Hysteria wouldn’t even begin to describe how I felt, I was heartbroken, I was petrified, I was in denial, I kept praying to God to take me in your place! You were the better half of us, so much to contribute to humanity and I was just… me. I did not and still do not understand why things turned out the way they did.

For a little while, I was even mad at you, why is it that you get to choose who lived between us both, why would you not let me go? Did you not hear my screams? Did you not feel my shoves? Why didn’t you go to safety? I still remember feeling you slip away from my arms, I grabbed on to your shirt but Mother Nature pried us apart, I never thought that I’d never see you again. It still sickens me to think about the “what if”s or the “if only”s.

I always wonder if you’ll remember me when you see me again? Do you hear me when I talk to you? Do angels have the ability to see into one’s heart and mind? I don’t know but if we ever meet again, I am sure we will have a lot of catching up to do!

Picking up the pieces were extremely difficult, it drove me crazy living in the little cottage, I kept expecting you to storm through the door exclaiming “Honeybee! I’m home!” and reaching out to me with a kiss and a hug and smugly ask what’s for dinner! :) It was also a confusing time because I had to learn the hard way who truly cared for me and who had ulterior motives. Beth, Rob, Josh, Nick, Nate, James… I don’t know how I would have gotten through without them! You were right about John and your brother though. Then, it was how unfair it felt that the world went on as usual when mine was non-existent. Or how people at work gossip or be mean or spiteful or make me feel that I didn’t belong… You must know how hard that is for me as I take great pride in what I do and being the person I am.

Amongst all that pain and destruction, I was constantly reminded by your constant words of encouragement, how I’m your ‘strong girl’ and persevered. Once again, you were right, the rainbow did emerge from the darkness of the storm.

I never thought my heart would heal or even love again but it did. People made me feel guilty for this, make me feel like I didn’t love you enough or betrayed you. But you know my heart, words can’t express how I feel but as you always say, I have to live for myself and how I feel about myself instead of what others think of me. And I did.

He is like you in so many ways except a little more rough around the edges. He’s intelligent, hardworking, caring, unselfish, kind and makes me laugh all the time. He has a lot of respect and love for you. You picture and flag is displayed proudly in our home and we share your heroism and story with anyone who would listen. It is when I finally understood that he accepts you with me that I knew for certain that this man truly loves me. Sometimes I wonder how is it that I am twice-blessed but I think I know better than to question what God gives to me!

So on your 38th birthday, I wanted to put in writing my memories and thoughts of you. Thank you so much for all that you are and have given me, though we walked this earth side by side in the past, I can feel you watching over me for the rest of my life.

Amor Vincit Omnia… love conquers all indeed.

I love and miss you.

Until we meet again, take care!